GAH I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF. I came home today and, since yesterday was not the most productive, had so much homework to catch up on - but for some reason my brain hates me, because I have zero motivation to do anything. It's 8:30 PM as I'm writing this and I just kind of feel like sitting around until the clock strikes 9 and it's socially acceptable to go to bed. I don't want to read. I don't want to write. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to play guitar. I don't even know what I want to do.
You guys, this sucks.
So, alas: I was not able to finish creating the wallpapers I promised yesterday. Sorry, lovelies - I guess it's just not flowing today. Hopefully I'll be able to get them done by tomorrow, or by next week at the very latest?
But one good thing did happen today - I talked to my counsellor again. (She doesn't really like the term "psychiatrist", even though that's technically what she is, so we just go with "counsellor" instead.) We talked about quite a few things - mostly the perpetual mild sadness + sporadic bouts of really really bad sadness, and how to combat that a little bit.
We didn't come to any clear conclusions, unfortunately, but I'm okay with that - we barely know each other, after all, and this was only our second meeting. Still, though, she seems really down-to-earth without being harsh or anything, and I quite liked her. She asked some pretty tough questions, some of which I found hard to answer... but then, I guess that's kind of the point. :P
One of the big things we talked about was prevention vs. cure. In my case, it's about how to prevent/cure the big sadness - the kind that whirls on like a hurricane instead of settling in like a deep ache. I think that was the hardest thing for me, because I've been trying for a really long time to figure out what triggers it, but I still drew a blank.
My counsellor said that finding the triggers will really help with the prevention aspect of it, because then I can figure out how to either avoid them or eliminate them or deal with them when they arise - but for now, I'm still working on that. (Actually, one of my "homework" pieces for when I meet with her next week is figuring out one or two triggers. I don't know how successful I'll be with that, but I'll keep you updated.)
But prevention is only one side of the equation, and I found the cure way easier to think about and identify. It's quite a bit about just finding the time to pamper myself - you know, bubble baths, fuzzy blankets, warm socks, chick flicks. (Basically, everything you need to get over a really bad breakup. Hm, I wonder if there's a connection? I could be onto something here... ;))
Unfortunately, there's a downside to that particular cure - it only really works on weekends and holidays. I can't exactly be expected to drop everything and hop into the bath when I have a test to study for, or when I'm in the middle of class, or when I'm out with my friends!
So what's a girl to do?
We didn't really get a chance to explore that much further, beyond the fact that I do need some way to pamper myself in a shorter amount of time - time ran out and I had to go. Let's just ignore the irony in that, shall we? ;)
We also talked about one other thing of note: possible diagnoses for this whole sadness deal. Depression is looking more and more likely, but there's no way to tell for sure until we get to know each other better. My symptoms do fit, though, so I'm going to tentatively call it that until we figure out if something else is in play.
So yeah, that was the meeting. In other news, I believe I'm going to make this a regular feature on the blog - I do think sharing this process with you is important, because a) it helps me sort through my own thoughts after meeting with my counsellor, and b) it's a big part of my life, and it's always nice to let you guys in on that. I'm calling it "Adventures in Zombieland", because half the time these days I'm walking around like a zombie. Also, I like it a lot better than "The Depression Diaries", which, if you ask me, is just unnecessarily morbid. ;)
Okay, wish me luck on figuring out how to plow through all my homework today! I'll see you guys tomorrow, hopefully with a cool wallpaper, but at least with an awesome post. That much, I can promise! x