Adventures in Zombieland: Sensitivity and Sadness

Hi guys!

Well, I was rather hoping the day would not come when I was too sad to get out of bed, but here we are.

I don't know what happened today - really, it's not so different from countless other bad days in the past, but still, I just couldn't really muster up the motivation to do... anything. Including going to school, which is why I'm writing this at two in the afternoon at home.

The good part is I do have some company - my mom and sister have the flu, so all of us are hanging out at home in our misery. Mostly I've just spent the whole day attempting to stay calm, avoid crying (both of which are far more difficult than they sound, unfortunately), and do some semblance of studying. No panic attacks, but still, sadness is a horrible and pervasive thing.

I did see my therapist yesterday, as well as my psychiatrist (I must say, the number of doctors I'm constantly surrounded by has seemed to reach new levels), just to check in on how I'm doing with medication. As you guys might recall, currently I'm only on one medication - tablets to ward off panic attacks. We were considering going with antidepressants as well, but decided to continue with another month of therapy and then see where we're at with the depression.

With the way things are going right now, I really wouldn't mind going on antidepressants, but we'll see how it turns out - after all, these past few weeks have been pretty stressful, so it might just be everything building up until I snap, so to speak.

More revelations: my therapist has put forth the idea that perhaps one major cause of anxiety might be the fact that I'm - to use her words - "exceptionally sensitive to sensory stimuli". Looking past the delightful alliteration in that phrase (oh, stop looking at me like that, I'm a writer), the psychological term is "Highly Sensitive Person", or HSP - it basically means that I tend to notice things about my surroundings more than other people, my brain processes emotions more deeply, and all in all, I think and feel a lot of things.

Most HSPs live perfectly happy, normal lives, but I suppose there's something about my brain that does not mesh well with that particular personality trait, which is what led to the anxiety + depression. Or at least, that's the theory at the moment, and that is what we'll be working on over the next few weeks - figuring out how to frame sensory stimuli (can you tell how much I love that phrase?) so that my brain doesn't go haywire over the mere thought of fireworks or crowds or a balloon popping.

Mental health days are important, I suppose, and progress is progress, however slowly it's going. Still - it's a bit difficult not to be discouraged when I think about the fact that the reason I didn't go to school today only exists in my head.

Nevertheless, I will keep you guys updated on how it goes, and let's hope things look up tomorrow, yes? I'll see you soon - and here's hoping your day was a bit better than mine. x

love, Topaz