Snapshots | July 28th

These past few days I've been feeling so... weary. I use the ellipses because I'm not sure that's the right word to describe this. The sadness is here again. And maybe I shouldn't be surprised at that, but I might have fooled myself this time into thinking that it would stay away for good.

(Which is slightly ridiculous, because it never really does; there's always a storm cloud hovering over me, but some days I can at least look through it to see the stars. Now, though, I feel wrapped in a blanket of rain. And I am cold and wet and tired and sad, sad, always sad.)

I had a panic attack a few days ago. Over the piano, of all things - and I think that might be the worst of all. Music is supposed to be my escape from all of this, but with my ears acting up, piano & guitar have been more anxiety-inducing burdens than anything else.

I am trying to have faith that it will pass, like it always does. I am trying to get out of bed and reply to emails and walk Hachii and work on Frozen Hearts and write poetry and spend time with my friends. I am trying so very hard.

But it's difficult. Because there's always this knowledge that even though the sadness will go away, it will also come back, like it always does. Probably someone else would be able to find poetry in that, but I can't see it as anything but a bitter sort of irony.

I detest the phrase "what is the point?". I have to believe there is a point to all of this - and maybe one day I'll be able to look back and see it clear as day - but right now, I feel like I am constantly floundering. Of course I'm trying (and it is deceptively easy to act happy, both online and in real life), but sometimes I wish it would all just stop for a moment. I don't want to have to pretend to be happy anymore.

There is sadness running off of me in rivulets. And it's the same story I've told so many times - but all the same, it feels as if each rendition is more painful than the last.