Snapshots | October 7th

Lately I have been restless, jittery, nervous, bones skittering. It may be the fact that fall break is coming up - a week more of school for us - and I am eager for a few days of freedom, but it seems the anxiety is creeping up far less surreptitiously than it usually does. It is making its presence known, and with it comes hyperacusis - it does not exactly help the situation that I am, quite literally, able to hear a pin drop. I think part of this might be the haze. Perhaps you have seen it on the news, if you are fortunate enough to be away from this madness, but in case you haven't: the pollution in this city is reaching new heights. Slash-and-burn farming in Indonesia means that we here in Singapore are subjected to an unwelcome abundance of smoke and dust and general unpleasantness.

So I - and quite a few of my friends and classmates - have been down with colds/flus/various other lung difficulties over the past weeks, and I must say I am kind of reaching the end of my tether with this haze. I've always counted myself lucky to be one of those people who rarely, if ever, gets physically sick - but at the moment, that is not looking to be quite so accurate.

The good news is that the experts say the air may be clearing up within the next week or two, and I am eagerly awaiting that - the haze is wreaking havoc on both my mental and physical health, so I certainly will not be sorry to see it gone.

Other than that: I am mostly just working on school + studying for the upcoming PSAT + attempting to fend off panic attacks the best I can. Things are not wonderful right now, unfortunately. I feel as if they might be better if I could get up and run away (run away to where? that is always the question), but that is not exactly a viable option, so for now I am disappointingly static.

I'm mostly attempting to hang on until fall break arrives. I think then it may be easier then to step back and take a breath - but still, my ability to function with all of this anxiety feels like it is slipping. Let us hope I can at least make it until then and reform my defences, yes?