Grey and Gold

Today is a sad day.

They are not altogether uncommon, these sluggish, bleak stretches of time, when the clock runs molasses-slow. Especially since depression came, they've become the norm, almost. As if my default setting is grey sadness.

But today hurts more than usual because these past few days have been so very golden-sweet lovely. I think perhaps losing happiness is far more painful than never having it in the first place.

I began on antidepressants ten days ago. My psychiatrist was very clear that the potential side effects were few - mostly just nausea and drowsiness - but for me, it's only been the drowsiness, clouding my limbs and making my eyelids heavy. I was wary of beginning on medication for the very reason that the side effects seemed so daunting - but now that I have started at last, it feels almost anticlimactic that they should be so small.

More importantly: the doctor told me that for most people, the medicine begins working in the first week.

And oh. It is such a beautiful thing to be happy. I haven't felt that way in so very long, though I have become an expert in faking it. But three days after I began on meds, things began to feel so much brighter than they have been. So much calmer, and spilling over with such light.

That is the way things have been.

And then there is today.

I was warned that it would take some time to acclimate to the antidepressants, but all the same, I feel as if I am grasping at some fleeting, finite thing that keeps slipping out of my grasp. Part of me is certain that it is my fault that I don't know how to hold onto happiness long enough to give it a name. And to ask it to stay, if only for a little while.

Why is it that, even after all of this mess, I still haven't learned how to grasp onto a good thing when it comes to me?

I suppose I should be grateful that at least I had a taste of this golden, peaceful contentment. And I have to believe that there is more to come in the future. I don't want to end 2015 feeling hopeless.

But all the same. Today is a grey time. And there have been so many other grey times, and there will be so many more - but I can't help but feel like this one is far sharper than the others, if only because of what I've lost to make room for it. All of these golden things I've had to leave behind.