I’m rather frustrated with myself. I came home today and, since yesterday was not the most productive, had so much homework to catch up on—but as my brain hates me, I have no motivation to do anything. It's 8:30 PM as I'm writing this and I’d just like to sit around until the clock strikes 9 and it's socially acceptable to go to bed. I don't want to read. I don't want to write. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to play guitar. I don't know what I want to do.
Just one good thing did happen today—I talked to my counsellor again about quite a few things. Mostly the perpetual mild sadness & sporadic bouts of really bad sadness, and how to combat that a little bit.
We didn't come to any clear conclusions, but I'm okay with that—we barely know each other, after all, and this was only our second meeting. She seems down-to-earth without being harsh, and I quite liked her. She asked tough questions, some of which I found hard to answer... but then, I suppose that's the point.
One of the big things we talked about was prevention vs. cure. In my case, it's about how to prevent or cure the big sadness, the kind that whirls on like a hurricane instead of settling in like a deep ache. I've been trying for a long time to figure out what triggers it, but am still drawing a blank.
My counsellor said that finding the triggers will help with the prevention aspect of it, because I can figure out how to avoid them or eliminate them or deal with them when they arise. For now, I'm still working on that; actually, one of my "homework" pieces for when I meet with her next week is figuring out one or two triggers. I don't know how successful I'll be, but will of course keep you updated.
But prevention is only one side of the equation, and I found the cure easier to think about and identify. It's quite a bit about just finding the time to pamper myself—you know, bubble baths, fuzzy blankets, warm socks, chick flicks. (Basically, everything you need to get over a really bad breakup. I wonder if there's a connection? I could be onto something here... ;))
Unfortunately, there's a downside to that particular cure—it only truly works on weekends and holidays. I can't be expected to drop everything and hop into the bath when I have a test to study for, or in the middle of class, or out with friends!
So what's a girl to do?
We didn't quite get a chance to explore that much further, beyond the fact that I do need some way to pamper myself in a shorter amount of time. (Actually, time ran out on our appointment and I had to go. Let's just ignore the irony in that, shall we?)
We also talked about possible diagnoses for this whole situation. Major depressive disorder is looking more likely, but there's no way to tell for sure until we get to know each other better. My symptoms do fit, though, so I'll tentatively call it that until we figure out if something else is in play.
Please wish me luck on figuring out how to plow through all my homework today! I'll see you tomorrow,. That much, I can promise! x