today it is world mental health day, & i am thinking of the colour of this prickly, lightning-messy, eyes-too-wide-heart-too-big sky. i was diagnosed with anxiety & depression three & a half years ago, & soon after that hyperacusis, & soon after that obsessive-compulsive disorder. i have forced my body to hold so much ache, so much knotted soaring silence. i have been so cruel to myself, & so much crueller to the people i profess to loving. & through it all, that sky. that sky. that sky & how it laughs in thunder & sobs in sunlight, that sky & how it forgives us ceaselessly, how it sings constant & graceless & true, how it blurs all the shattered edges, remains soft even when we deserve anything but softness.
i think there is much to learn from that. still, three & a half years later, there are countless days that break & bruise & bend. still, though i have long since ceased to be ashamed of the person my illnesses have shaped me into, there are times when i regret speaking about them as openly as i do. on those days i try to be like that sky. to cry when i need to. to forgive again & again. to reflect all the same shades of light.
happy world mental health day, my loves. thank you for coming with me on this gorgeous, brokenhearted journey.
p.s. world mental health day is one of the best times to share the struggles you or loved ones have been through with mental illness. in the comments, please do share your story with me. i will cradle it with hands softer than clouds.
p.s.s. my new book is about the experience of healing in every wild & tender form it takes. here is where you can purchase it to keep you warm this world mental health day.