i got back to my dorm at 2 a.m. last night after a halloween party with some of my favourite humans, home-bound with stomachfuls of laughter & dancing away the cold. this morning i woke up at 7, hungover & alive, & went for a run. the streets were deserted, & the sunlight through the bony arms of trees nearly stopped me in my tracks. it bloomed hallowed, bright as forgiveness.
i’m working on five hours of sleep, & right now i’m writing while i should be studying for my first & only midterm this semester. after my exam this afternoon i will snatch another few hours of sleep, until evening, when i will dress up & head to a photoshoot, then out for two press interviews, one right after the other. it’s autumn; the sunlight wanes so early on this side of the world. tomorrow morning i must be up early once more to catch a flight backwards, through time & change & all the way to the place where i began. in a week i have my first major festival appearance, & then i will traverse the oceans back to school. the day after i come back i’m attending my first concert; the week after that i will perform my work at a school for girls just like i once was, anxious & sick & hopeful & stunning & strong.
& what a life this is that i’ve been given. what a life i’ve made for myself. every week, every month i promise myself i will relax. stop working so hard. i tell myself it is important that i still. but i’m so bad at saying no; i think part of me might always crave this gorgeous tender loud chaos. often i get told i’m too much—sometimes in fondness, other times in frustration. more & more these days, as i grow taller & say yes to everything & try to find time to sleep in between, i’m realising it is possible to be so much & exactly enough. it is possible to live fully, love fully, & still allow myself room for the lull.
all the change will come. but right now it’s morning still. i’ve paused on my run. look at that light through the trees, ochre & terrifying. to be the poet & the poem at once, to embody the push through clean air & the intake of breath in the stillness. if only for a single moment i can stand here now, just listening.