It is an unfortunate truth of this world that sometimes the worst monsters are unable to find homes.
& so, instead of huddling on street corners & getting rained on, they take instead to residing in people's heads. Four years ago I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder & generalised anxiety disorder. A few months after that, I was diagnosed with hyperacusis. Soon after, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Common symptoms I experience include dissociation, intrusive thoughts, & suicidal ideation.
All of these are fearsome monsters who are not particularly wont to give up their home, even if I do not enjoy their presence in my mind. At the moment I am in therapy & on medication, & working towards managing better.
Sometimes—most of the time—it is a difficult thing to make peace with, but I suppose for better or for worse, the weight of the world's sorrow must go somewhere.
Right now these monsters take up far too much space in my head: pounding at the walls, letting odd-smelling substances seep beneath the doors, playing loud music at all hours of the night. They are not lovely neighbours.
(Here is the thing, though: neither I nor they are used to sharing space, but I wouldn't wish a life of dumpster-fishing & begging for scraps on anyone.)
This blog has become a canvas of sorts. It chronicles my journey to live & create alongside the illnesses that I will never fully escape, to keep pushing through their growling in my head. I like to think it's letting me express these things a bit better, & even help you tame your own monsters. Perhaps we could heal together.
Here is my to-do list for now:
forgive these monsters for existing;
forgive myself for leaving the back door open so that they found a crack to slip in;
let myself grieve for the space that they are taking up in my head;
learn to co-exist.