Friday Poetry: “Within Discordance”

Scrawled 24 April, 2015, stored in Writing, 9 Comments

Hi lovelies!

This week has felt a little endless, but Friday has poked its head around the corner and here we are at last. I’m a little frustrated and a lot tired and utterly, completely ready to flop into bed and sleep for the next 14 hours – but before then, here is Friday Poetry, right on schedule.

Unfortunately, it appears the good writing streak from last week has deserted me, and I don’t quite know what’s left – something vaguely poetic but, if I’m being honest with myself, more resembling word vomit than anything else. I wrote this yesterday and then stressed over finding a title until Tanvi stepped in with a dash of wordsmithing and a sprinkle of luck. So you have her to blame for that, at least. ;)

But the rest is, as always, of my own invention, for better or for worse – and I do hope you enjoy it, lovelies. Have a wonderful weekend. I’ll see you on Monday. x

love,
Topaz

Within Discordance

here’s the thing, though.
I don’t believe in fate –
just the symphony of a city rainstorm,
absonant, soggy, umbrella-less girls.
I believe in butterflies erupting from
apocalypses. things like fairytales or
nightmares, like I swear I’ve seen you before,
waltzes down midnight alleyways. I
believe in ordinary insanity. in hibernation,
in the people who wake up too early and
are proud or wise enough to chase down the
demons that exist only beneath their eyelids.
I don’t believe in the stars, in the sun, in
the beautiful empty words from boys
who have memorised poetry books and
frank sinatra songs –

but I believe in sudden beginnings and
in graceless ballerinas, I believe in the thieves
who stole away our history and the ones who
will draw the wild cards of our future. in
computer screens and stark naked stories,
the ones that aren’t beautiful.
I believe in what’s too broken to be poetry.
I believe in the raindrops and the teardrops
and the girls so busy trying to memorise the
taste of his chapstick that they forget
their mothers’ middle names.

I believe in what’s real.
I believe in what could be if the monsters
learned not to fear their own voices
and the curtains learned to lift
just a little bit higher.


Detectives and Airplanes and Adventures, oh my!

Scrawled 23 April, 2015, stored in Bookish Love, 0 Comments

Hi everyone!

Real talk here: what are the three coolest things on the planet, pretty much?

(Hint: look in the title of this post.)

Okay, so now that that’s established: imagine detectives and airplanes and adventures and – wait for it – on top of all that, a stubborn, spunky, incredibly smart heroine thrown into the mix. And, just for fun, why don’t we just sprinkle in a dash of curiosity and a smidgen of whimsy and, to top it all off, a whole handful of something remarkably resembling pure dumb luck, and –

Kitty Hawk

TA DA.

Introducing: the Kitty Hawk Flying Detective Agency series, which is exactly what it says on the tin – a teenage detective. Who goes around the world. Solving mysteries. IN A PLANE.

*melts from the utter and complete badassery*

In short: it is imperative that you pick up your copy of the first book: Kitty Hawk and the Curse of the Yukon Gold (in which Kitty gets herself tangled into a mystery involving whales and gold and shipwrecks and, all in all, it is quite swashbuckling and wonderful).

And please do let me know what you think of it if you do decide to read it – we can trade opinions while sipping tea and investigating mysterious things and flying planes.

(Have I mentioned how impressed I am about the whole detective-agency-on-a-plane bit of it?)

Anyway. Read the book. And then read the rest of the series. And then we’ll talk. ;)

love,
Topaz


Adventures in Zombieland: The Guilt of Not Creating

Scrawled 22 April, 2015, stored in Life, 4 Comments

Hi everyone!

So I think I’ve figured it out – something that’s been irking me for quite some time now, but that I couldn’t really place my finger on until today.

All this time, as the whole anxiety/depression situation escalated, I’ve been so focused on mustering up the energy to get out of bed and go to school and stop worrying so much and avoid triggers for panic attacks and try not to be so self-conscious – and, and, and, the list goes on.

Which, on one hand: it’s understandable, of course. Rationally, I know that the fact that I’m actually able to get through the day and function properly (or at least, most of the time) is quite a big deal. A victory, even. And I’ve tried to remind myself that I shouldn’t be feeling guilty for focusing on me for a little while.

But still, when I look back and realise how much less I’m writing songs, practising guitar, fooling around with Photoshop, editing Frozen Hearts, writing poetry, drawing – just creating something – it does make me feel guilty. I feel like I should be able to do ALL THE THINGS. ALL THE TIME. (Which, granted, I probably wouldn’t be able to do even without mental illnesses, but at least I could do more things than I’m able to now.)

Yesterday I opened Frozen Hearts, for the first time in a month. I can’t even remember the last time I went a week without editing – but here we are, and it kind of hurts to think that my productivity levels have decreased so much. I’ve talked about feeling inadequate before, but I think this is something even worse – because art has always been such a big part of me, but now I feel like I’ve put that on hold indefinitely so I can deal with all this stuff.

I’m trying to be okay with not being as productive, but whenever I miss Friday Poetry because I’m too busy trying to not fall apart over a car door slamming, it’s a stark reminder of the fact that I’m letting you guys down, too – and over something that is not insignificant, but sure feels like that sometimes. Frozen Hearts was supposed to be out in December – it’s now April, and it’s looking like still more months will go by before it’ll see the light of day.

And of course, I know that you are all lovely, kind, understanding people who will most certainly not hold these things against me – but I think this is really more a matter of my own brain battling with itself (as these things so often turn out to be). It’s two-fold, I suppose: not only do I feel guilty for myself, but also for you – because I want to share all of the things that I used to, but I just can’t do that anymore.

I do know this won’t last forever, though, and that is one of the few good things about this situation – as horrible as they are, at least I know that mental illnesses can be treated. I need to focus on figuring out how to be okay – but I do think it’s only a matter of time before I’ll be able to get back to creating things. Right now this feels a bit endless, but you know, I’m still looking forward to publishing Frozen Hearts and, eventually, releasing the album. (Remember that? It’s still a thing, in case you weren’t sure. ;))

It’s just a matter of getting through all this other stuff first – however long it takes.

love,
Topaz


Me Me Me Monday (39)

Scrawled 20 April, 2015, stored in Life, 4 Comments

Hi everyone!

I’m so sorry for missing Friday Poetry last week – I was actually quite excited to share a poem with you guys, but my mood just plummeted when I woke up in the morning (and with it, my motivation to do anything but collapse into bed once I came home from school). Oh well – I suppose you can always look forward to reading it this week instead!

Unfortunately, after a bleh Friday, the rest of the weekend continued in much the same fashion. I almost had a panic attack yesterday – the good news is I had my medicine on me so I was able to stop it before it happened, but still. Too close for comfort. (And on top of that, one of the people who was with me told me to “just get over it”, which, as one might imagine, did not help my inclination to strangle him right then and there.)

It turns out I’m also physically sick – I’d been feeling dizzy and nauseous yesterday, and then today it was so bad I could barely get out of bed. Long story short: I’ve been instructed by the doctor to stay home tomorrow so I that can rest. It’s rather demotivating, especially since I have a multitude of tests + homework to catch up on – but for now, all I can do is focus on getting better, I suppose.

Something that’s definitely been helping, though, is marathoning lovely, happy songs! I’m currently listening to “Open Season” by High Highs on repeat – it has such a calming vibe, and the refrain of all in your mind / it is all in your mind is quite prudent right about now.

In readerly news: I finished Quiet and I am Malala over the weekend, both of which were incredibly eye-opening and inspiring (and by the way, should you not have read them yet, please drop everything now and go do so). I’m actually in the middle of books at the moment, but I’m really in the mood for something sweet and fluffy, so if anyone has suggestions, do drop them in the comments box – I’m stopping by the library on Wednesday, so I’m looking forward to reading ALL THE FLUFF. ;)

Some other nice things that happened over the weekend:

i. I saw Disney’s Cinderella for the second time, and it was just as beautiful as the first time around.
ii. An old friend reached out to me, so we got a chance to Skype and catch up with each other.
iii. I discovered the scientific name for a llama – Lama glama – and subsequently proceeded to repeat it over and over for the next half hour, until my sister threw a pillow in my face. ;)

How was your weekend, everyone? Let’s chat in the comments!

love,
Topaz


The Sun is Coming Through: A Mix for a Waking-Up World

Scrawled 16 April, 2015, stored in Musical Love, 2 Comments

Hi lovelies!

As of mid-March, spring has officially sprung! I must admit I’m not really a sunshine and flowers kind of person – I much prefer the bleak loveliness of winter – but since things finally seem to be looking up after a rough couple of weeks, it seems relevant to celebrate the waking-up of the world. (Side note: I love that phrase so much. I can’t stop repeating it.) And what better way to celebrate than with music? ;)

Keeping up with what appears to be turning into a series of seasonal playlists (starting with Far Below These Birds), here’s a mix for the loveliness of spring! As always, you can also click on the cover to listen to it on 8tracks, if you so desire.

Album Cover

i. bloom // the paper kites

ii. little bird // ed sheeran

iii.  into the wild // lewis watson

iv. i am mine // brooke waggoner

v. fall afresh // bethel music & jeremy riddle

vi. halcyon // the paper kites

vii. here comes the sun // the beatles

viii. stay young, go dancing // death cab for cutie

This is a mix for a newborn world, for spring shedding her coat of snow and waking up the flowers once more. These songs are the wind’s whistling tune as he rediscovers his favourite hiding places; they’re robins’ melodies, come to remind everyone that it’s time to begin again. These are songs for the sun gradually finding his way back to earth – and when he pokes his head through the clouds to say hello again, these are the songs that welcome him home.

love,
Topaz